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Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Diary of a Sankwas girl

Its the first of the month! I love the newness the first of each month brings. If you know me you know I'm not one to start a diet on a Monday or make too many new year resolutions. I believe you can start afresh any damn day you want to! But I do love the first of the months. It's a good way to press refresh on life and put things into perspective.

In the spirit of reducing anxiety and feeling overwhelmed I'm embarking on some sort of 'September Cleanse'. The detail of this are not too clear to me but I am keen to try different things. Step outside my comfort zone if you will. I'm used to being the loud mouth in any setting, the hub of crazy energy. Most of that being anxious energy might I add. So for 'September Cleanse' I am challenging myself to do things differently, to find strength in the quiet. I'm making the rules up as I go along.

I enjoy the chaos sometimes. I find comfort in the deep pockets of anxiety sometimes because It's really all I know. I might just give up after a few days and say fuck it? Or I might learn a thing or two about myself. I might even post more on here. Not making any promises.

Be still peeps


Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Diary of a Sankwas girl

I'll be the first to admit that I simply feel lost. I feel lost. I think I know why but then again it simply doesn't matter. I psyche myself up every morning with tried and tested mantras- come made up by me and some I've pulled off gold old cheesy motivational websites. For a few fleeting seconds I am filled with hope and confidence- 'it's going to be a good day' - i say to myself. And then as quickly as I've convinced myself that all is well that feeling washing over me again- I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

That said, who ever really knows what the hell they're doing all the time? You can't be self assured all the damn time can you? Well if it's possible then I've completely ignored that memo. Weirdly enough I find a tiny bit of solace in the despair. Amidst all the confusion I feel strangely safe. It doesn't even make sense to me, I know it doesn't make sense to you.

I'm plodding along at the gym and in my new job hoping that the need to succeed will grip me ever so tightly I'm only coming up for air ever so often. I had plans for the future- Plans for tomorrow, deadlines if you will, and with every passing day that these 'plans' fail to materialise I feel thrown off.

And then it hits me- one of the mantras I REALLY should be believing in is 'Planning is good, Allowing is better.' I can't make these anxiety laden plans and send then off into the universe and just expect life to travel in one direction at the same speed uninterrupted. I happily take the good and I accept the challenge of the not so pleasant. I can't predict the curve balls but I'm ready. Planning is good - Allowing is better