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Saturday, 5 September 2015

Diary of a Sankwas girl

I often talk about having 'transport rage' jokingly of course. But today it hit me. I am ANGRY. In fact I'm livid. Or at least I can be. I didn't realise how angry I was until someone 'accidentally' grazed my arm as they hurried for their train. My reaction was anything but ladylike. And then a second later I felt guilty and had to ask myself why on earth I'm so angry.

Actually I might have realised yesterday that I was seething when a lady tried to cut the queue in Sainsbury's and I gave her the dirtiest look and reminded her 'there's a queue'- with a lot of head bopping might I add.

I don't know why I'm feeling the rage or have been feeling the rage in the last few days. Especially since I'm attempting to channel my inner zen and change the way I look at life. What I am liking though is the self- awareness these days. Being able to recognise that I feel a certain way, even if I don't know why. I'm not a fan of feeling like a 'victim'. If you can't change some shit around you, change your attitude towards it.

That said, I'm going to work hard on putting 'transport rage' on the back burner, and yes supermarket rage as well- lol. It's energy I can spend one feeling better, being better.


Friday, 4 September 2015

Diary of a sankwas girl

Sometimes you find yourself doing things for the hell of it. Going through the motions they call it. Auto pilot, cruising..... you catch my drift. It's so easy to get caught up in the routine of life, the 'just doing' aspect. The flip side to being so overly aware that you're going through the motions is that you try so hard to not do that and you over complicate things. Well I do. I almost feel like I need to do something huge and crazy to prove that I'm not like the masses just waking up, earning a living, going home, making dinner etc.

In actual fact, the pressure to not go through the motions makes me more anxious. Which isn't always a bad thing, because I've come to almost accept anxiety, but it just makes you feel like 'something has to give'. These days my love life (or lack there of) is the bane of my existence. Trying to unravel all the complicated webs I've woven is not only daunting but exhausting. I kid you not when I say I fall in love everyday. I'm addicted to going back to the past even when I've convinced myself it is the selfish thing to do. I'm in a weird 'have I made the right decision/do I want to date/am I doomed' loop. It's making me loopy. But I digress. If you're on auto pilot it's really not the be all and end all of life. By all means drag yourself out of cruise control but don't force it. Baby steps- you're the pilot.

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Diary of a Sankwas girl

Its the first of the month! I love the newness the first of each month brings. If you know me you know I'm not one to start a diet on a Monday or make too many new year resolutions. I believe you can start afresh any damn day you want to! But I do love the first of the months. It's a good way to press refresh on life and put things into perspective.

In the spirit of reducing anxiety and feeling overwhelmed I'm embarking on some sort of 'September Cleanse'. The detail of this are not too clear to me but I am keen to try different things. Step outside my comfort zone if you will. I'm used to being the loud mouth in any setting, the hub of crazy energy. Most of that being anxious energy might I add. So for 'September Cleanse' I am challenging myself to do things differently, to find strength in the quiet. I'm making the rules up as I go along.

I enjoy the chaos sometimes. I find comfort in the deep pockets of anxiety sometimes because It's really all I know. I might just give up after a few days and say fuck it? Or I might learn a thing or two about myself. I might even post more on here. Not making any promises.

Be still peeps


Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Diary of a Sankwas girl

I'll be the first to admit that I simply feel lost. I feel lost. I think I know why but then again it simply doesn't matter. I psyche myself up every morning with tried and tested mantras- come made up by me and some I've pulled off gold old cheesy motivational websites. For a few fleeting seconds I am filled with hope and confidence- 'it's going to be a good day' - i say to myself. And then as quickly as I've convinced myself that all is well that feeling washing over me again- I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

That said, who ever really knows what the hell they're doing all the time? You can't be self assured all the damn time can you? Well if it's possible then I've completely ignored that memo. Weirdly enough I find a tiny bit of solace in the despair. Amidst all the confusion I feel strangely safe. It doesn't even make sense to me, I know it doesn't make sense to you.

I'm plodding along at the gym and in my new job hoping that the need to succeed will grip me ever so tightly I'm only coming up for air ever so often. I had plans for the future- Plans for tomorrow, deadlines if you will, and with every passing day that these 'plans' fail to materialise I feel thrown off.

And then it hits me- one of the mantras I REALLY should be believing in is 'Planning is good, Allowing is better.' I can't make these anxiety laden plans and send then off into the universe and just expect life to travel in one direction at the same speed uninterrupted. I happily take the good and I accept the challenge of the not so pleasant. I can't predict the curve balls but I'm ready. Planning is good - Allowing is better